A GRACEFUL EXIT

Former CEO Martha Stewart went to prison and was pushed out of her job as editrix of Martha Stewart Living.  NBC's Ben Silverman's position  is on the line. And now with all the positions at Lehman Bros. under fire,  bring us to this questioning...

If you're wondering whether you're going to be employed this time next month, you're not alone. A recent survey found that nearly two out of three Americans are worried about losing their job within the next year. And how could they not? Hardly a day goes by without a bank announcing that several billion dollars has gone up in smoke, or that they've taken in several billion from the government of Dubai, Qatar, or Mongolia in a desperate attempt to keep their heads above water. Then there are the layoffs: a total of 463,000 jobs have been shed this year and many more cuts are on the way. (Unless, that is, you work in one of the few professions that does quite nicely in times like these, like bankruptcy law and repo services.) So are you going to be next? Maybe! Which is why you should know what to do—and how to behave—before and after the hammer falls and you're told to pack up your cubicle. Below, our guide to coping with the fact that your investment bank/law firm/media company has decided you're redundant.

Calculating the Odds

It's not definitely happening on a Friday, contrary to what many people think. HR people used to consider it the perfect day to let someone go. ("They'll have the weekend to digest the news!") Until people started coming back on Monday with shotguns after spending the weekend in a mounting rage. (Bringing weapons to the office after getting canned is not a good idea, by the way.) The current consensus: Any day is a fine day to fire someone, although since it happens a little less often on Friday, you need not worry you'll miss your dismissal if you decide to take a two-hour lunch break. Although it may be those two-hour lunches that are responsible for landing you in this mess in the first place.

Spot the Signs

If your boss is usually the type of guy who yells and screams (and even occasionally throws large, blunt objects at your head) and then he's suddenly nice to you, asking you how your weekend was or if you've seen any good movies lately—beware. These are classic signs of pre-layoff pity! Your boss totally knows you're a goner. So now he's either feeling a little bit bad for you—yes, he does have some emotion—or, more likely, he's hoping that you won't mention at your upcoming "exit interview" how he once hit you with his Blackberry and occasionally asked you to pick up his wife's dry cleaning.

Whatever the reason, just reciprocate and be polite right back. There's nothing you can do now. But if your gut is telling you that this is the end of the line, it would be a good time to stick as many office supplies as humanly possible inside your bag. You'll have more highlighters and staplers than you'll need in one lifetime, yes, but if you don't find another job soon, you can always open an office supply store!

The Big Reaction

So don't cry, okay? It's no tragedy. Everyone's been fired before! Okay, not everyone, but remember that time your sister's boyfriend's brother got fired from Blockbuster for taking popcorn from the store? He kept his dignity, right? You'll thank yourself later for keeping a stiff upper lip. Oh, and don't even think about trying to convince your boss (or the faceless HR exec) to let you stay. Ten people in human resources have already processed the paperwork by this point and your ID card is going to be deactivated in about ten minutes. Now is the time to embrace reality.

The Aftermath

Don't get rude with your colleagues and bosses now that you're heading out the door. Sure, the CEO of your company makes $409 million a year, and they could have kept you by just having fresh flowers delivered to his conference room once a week instead of daily, but letting them know just how much that eats away at you isn't going to change anything. Be nonchalant! You didn't need this stupid job anyway!

If you're not alone—i.e. a lot of other people were let go, too— you're golden, since it will be obvious that it was not your fault. If you were the only one canned, you may want to consider coming up with a creative lie. "Dude, they tried to get me to move to the Boston office, and I was like 'Fuck that, dude, I'm quitting. I'm not moving to Boston." (Don't try that if your company does not have a Boston office.) Another approach: You could imply you slept with your boss's wife/husband, which would explain why you've been fired and make you sound sexually irresistible.

However, if it's really obvious what happened, you definitely don't want to lie. You'll only look really sad—or, worse, crazy—for not facing up to reality. You don't want to be the person who is telling everyone at the office that you left to "relax" a little. It sounds like your friends staged an intervention and you're headed to a 90-day rehab program.

Next Steps

Clear out your desk. Copy everything on your computer. Send out that mass email to everyone which lists your "new contact information," i.e., your Gmail address. Now go home. There's drinking to be done. And sleep to be had. And game shows and soap operas to be watched. Don't worry so much. You'll find another job! Okay, fine, it may not be until the U.S. lifts itself out of the recession in 2010. But didn't you say you wanted some time off?




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